The c*nts who govern us: Torymon! Gotta catch 'em all!
It occurred to me the other day that many people in the UK wouldn’t be able to name most members of cabinet. I’m sure all of us are able to recognise the defective clump of DNA currently calling itself our PM, but how many of us could pick the Secretary of State for Education or International Development out of a police line-up? Sorry, I meant at the state opening of Parliament. Like it or not, these are the people who take decisions on a daily basis that affect all our lives. So, I think we should all have a better understanding of our lizard overlords, like what particular larvae they love to eat, or what temperature to keep the cage at for their morning basking sessions etc.
Over the coming weeks I’ll be providing you with profiles of each cabinet member. What flavour of child they like to eat, how many voodoo dolls of Jeremy Corbyn they own, and how many wipe-clean, laminated portraits of Margaret Thatcher they have stuffed under the bed. You know, the important stuff.
I’m calling it Torymon, but it’s really Top Trumps. I just hate the T-word. Massive boner killer.
By the end of this series, you’ll be able to collect all the Torymon cards. Share them with your friends, share them with your kids, take them to work to impress your boss! Or just burn them in the presence of a powerful witch or wizard. As the Torymon card dies, its essence looks for another living thing to latch onto á la Voldemort. We don’t want you getting imbued with the spirit of Michael Gove now do we? Or maybe we do actually if you’re a massive coke whore.
First up, Priti Patel.
Name: Priti Sushil Patel
Age: 47 (4 in lizard years)
Position: Home Secretary
Previous cabinet positions held: Secretary of State for International Development
Teflon-ness = 9/10: Barely anything sticks to this Tory tiger. In 2017 she was forced to resign from her position as International Development Secretary (a role she had held for an entire year). She had been having off the books meetings with Israeli top brass (including Netanyahu the PM) during a “family” holiday to Israel, and suggested allocating some of the international aid budget to help the Israeli army with its “humanitarian” efforts in the occupied Golan Heights. Bad Priti! Two years later though, after slithering off to the backbenches to shed her skin and improve the believability of her human face mask, she’s back as Home Secretary!
Tory-ness = 10/10: She has a gargantuan hard on for Thatcher, thinks that the British in the workplace are some of the most “idle” employees in the world, believes poverty has nothing to do with the government, and wants to bring back the death penalty. This woman bleeds blue (which means her blood is dangerously deoxygenated. Call a doctor! Or don’t).
Spin power = 4/10: Priti is not actually very good at spin. She doesn’t see the point. The public are just there to serve their reptile overlords. No need for spin then. Charlotte’s Web? Charlotte’s Pleb! Even with her degree in Economics from the world-renowned, top 700 globally world ranked Keele University, Priti is constantly putting her claw in her mouth and having to be whisked off stage left. I could be kind here, but I won’t. She’s as thick as mince. The Dunning-Kruger effect? She was the test mouse. It’s ok though. She’s the only woman of colour the Torys have in their ranks (apart from brown Olive Oyl, Suella Braverman) so it’s front and centre no matter the gaffe.
Prior c*ntyness = 10/10: Before she achieved full lizardhood, Patel worked for the global PR firm Weber Shandwick where she was a lobbyist for British American Tobacco. Not only do British American Tobacco make a product responsible for the deaths of millions of people worldwide, they also have ties to the Burmese military dictatorship, and child labour. Joy. It seems like the only time Priti is any good at spin is when she’s doing it for faceless multinationals who want to destroy our health and our planet. Go Priti!
A short clip of Priti at her best. Smug, abrasive (saves on descaler), condescending and totally unaware of herself. We’re so lucky to have her!
