Your dating “preferences” are rooted in racism. Sorry not sorry.

“You’re really cute for a black guy.” “I’ve never dated a black guy before.” “I’m just not into black guys. Sorry, it’s just a preference.” If I had a pound for every time I’ve heard these tired remarks, I’d have enough money to build a time machine, go back in time, execute Columbus, and maybe we could have avoided this whole racism thing altogether.

Dating while black means developing a thick skin. Especially nowadays in the era of dating apps, people feel fully emboldened to be as brazen as they like with their so-called preferences. As a black, gay man I can attest to this, and often when guys are interested it’s only because of my supposed BBC (big black cock. Sorry boys, you’re going to be sorely disappointed). Black women too are exoticised, and fetishised as sex hungry maniacs. These tired tropes are worn out.

The real frustration comes though when you try explaining to people why their preferences are in fact, anything but, and are actually deeply rooted in racism. Light the blue touch paper, stand back, and be prepared for an avalanche of white fragility: “It’s just a preference!” “ Why are you getting so angry?!” “I have tons of black friends” “No, you’re the one being racist.” But it’s as plain as the beautiful broad nose on my black face that these views are steeped in racism, and here’s why.

Do a Google image search for the terms “beautiful woman” and “handsome man.” Do it now, I’ll wait. How many black faces and faces of colour did you see among the results? Very few, right? The results are overwhelmingly white. That’s because the beauty ideals and standards we are all held to are still very much European. Even though attitudes are changing slowly, when it comes to beauty and desirability, whiteness is still definitely rightness. From the moment we are born (and from a million different sources in today’s hyperconnected world) we’re bombarded with messages and images. Fashion magazines, movies, music videos, billboards, advertising, TV. 90% of these mediums are telling us the only correct way to be beautiful is to be Caucasian. It’s deeply embedded in the language too. Think of the black sheep of the family, a black mark against your name, black-hearted. Now compare this to as pure as the driven snow, or a white knight on a steed . Black is always used to indicate moral failings or a bad character, whereas white is a sign of moral purity. We’re brainwashed. This theory is also borne out when you look at the treatment of biracial or light skinned black people in the dating scene. Their closer proximity to whiteness often makes them more highly prized. Sadly, these racist attitudes have also been internalized by many black people. You only have to look at most hip-hop videos to see how in vogue “light-skinned gyals” are. The darker your skin is, the less desirable you are.

Here’s the thing. It is 100% natural to have preferences, we all have them. I have a preference for Pepsi over Coca-Cola (don’t judge me, my choices are valid too). That doesn’t mean that on occasion I don’t throw back gallons of the sweet, poisonous, gut rotting, delicious, brown nectar. A preference is literally that. It means you prefer one thing over another, but you’re also open to both. It’s that simple.

There is no way on God’s green Earth you’re going to tell me that black people are not beautiful. It’s just not true. We are some of the most beautiful creatures on this planet. Deal with it. So, when you tell me you’re just not into black guys, essentially, you’re telling me that out of the myriad black men on this Earth, there’s not a single one you’re attracted to? Sure Jan. In that case you’re either blind, have INCREDIBLY poor taste, or you’re still plugged into the Matrix, chugging down a lifetime’s supply of that delicious racist Kool Aid. Wake up! Human beings are beautiful. Period. If you really can’t see that and can’t see how so many of your so-called preferences have actually been handed down to you by a still overwhelmingly racist society, then I feel very sorry for you.

And look, this is not some “woe is me, why don’t the WhiteGayze™ want to fuck me” pity party, ok? Far from it. It’s just that having done the work to decolonise my own mind, I know exactly how firm a grasp the poisonous idea of white supremacy has on all of us.

When I was in my teens, I too was “just not into black guys.” I used to say highly Caucastic (© John Goode 2020) things like, “the only black guy I have time for is Will Smith” (to be fair, he did look really good in Independence Day. I have a thing for big ears. Russell Tovey anyone?). Then as I got older, I began to realise that if I really believed the crap I was spouting, it meant I didn’t think of myself as attractive either. I kid you not reader, when I began to question my thoughts and open my mind, the scales literally fell from my eyes and I was finally awake to just how beautiful all the colours of the rainbow are. I cringe now remembering how I used to think, and I’m only using this example to prove my point; and that is that we all walk around with unconscious racial bias. It’s unavoidable. If you’re a human being who lives on planet Earth, I’m talking to you. If we’re ever going to really defeat all the many -isms that plague our society, we have to start from the point of being honest about our prejudices. It’s just that most of us will never be brave enough (or even have the self-awareness) to admit that and do the work it takes to change our thought processes. It’s easier just to hide behind a “preference.”

I used to feel angry and pissed off about this topic, but then I realised I was pegging the idea of my own attractiveness to what white men thought of me, and that’s deeply unhealthy. I love my full lips and strong, broad nose. And most importantly I love my skin. Every dark, melanated, dewy, chocolate, shining, supple cocoa buttered inch of it. And nobody, white or otherwise is going to tell me I’m not beautiful. Take that Columbus!